Oh Well

Teenagers. Gotta love 'em

I had dinner with a friend a while back whose kids are teenagers.

Our conversation spanned the globe over the evening, but returned time and again to the challenges of raising teens.

There was a story in the Mercury last weekend about ungrateful teenagers. A woman in the States has started a Facebook group called UTIMH (Ungrateful Teens In My House) where she gripes about kids insisting they have designer clothes and the latest in technology.

I bristle when people lump any group into a stereotype. All teenagers are not bad, selfish and self-involved, and when we buy in to the stereotype, we reinforce those behaviours.

Still, I too groused about the mountain of shoes at the front door, the horrendous state of their bedrooms, and the vacuum of help I received when I asked them to, you know, vacuum. My teens had more important things on their minds and cleaning the house was not a priority.

I tried asking, yelling, threatening, crying, ignoring the mess, doing it myself, not speaking to them and bribing them, with varying results. Then I read Barbara Coloroso, who passed along the best advice I ever found on raising teens.

1) Teenagers are designed to test boundaries. They always want to stay out late, go places you're not comfortable letting them go and hang out with people you don't know. The underlying criteria in giving permission, however, should be: is it safe; is it moral; is it legal; and can you afford it.

2) It's not your job as the parent to convince your teenager to like your decision. It's their job to convince you that whatever it is they want to do meets that criteria — is it safe; is it moral; is it legal; and can you afford it.

3) If you want a 30-year-old kid on your hands, keep raising children. If you want your child to be a responsible, mortgage-paying, RSP-contributing adult at 30, you'd better start raising an adult. That means with every new freedom comes responsibility.

4) Teenagers have an amazing knack for pressuring parents into making snap decisions. Coloroso cautions parents not to give in to the pressure. You need to make careful judgements and that takes time. So, say this, she advises: If you want the answer now, it's no. If you want me to consider a yes answer, give me time. That doesn't guarantee they'll get what they want, but it also gives them time to respond to your main concerns — is it safe; is it moral; is it legal; and can you afford it.

My own experience taught me that logic works too. If I spent 30 minutes driving them to baseball, two hours watching the game and 30 minutes driving them home again, it's hard for them to say no when I ask for 10 minutes of washing dishes.

The spring before I put my house up for sale, I had the nasty job of cleaning up a winter's worth of dog droppings in the backyard. I was an empty-nester at the time and when I asked for 10 minutes help from them, they all refused, saying since they hadn't lived there all winter, why should they.

"But have you loved Sam for 10 minutes this winter?" was my response.

Hard to argue that one. Not only did they give me the 10 minutes I'd asked for, they completed the job.

Teenagers have a great facility for detecting hypocracy too, so it's important to step back and check your own behaviour before you come down on them.

Otherwise, pull out the baby books and remind yourself how much you love them. They are hormonal, emotional, confused beings who need some guidance as they spread their wings.

As you ride out the teen years, love them anyway.

Massoga so good

I think I invented a new exercise genre. (Does exercise have genres?)

Perhaps it's nothing new to those in the exercise field, but I may have invented the word at least.

It's a combination of massage and yoga. I call it massoga.

While seated on the floor with legs straight in front of me, I bend forward to touch my toes and give my ankles a massage to help them limber up.

This is also a good position to rub my knees, wrists, elbows and sometimes my neck.

Old injuries ache on a day like today — damp and a bit cold. Look forward to more aching as the weather gets colder and we start to shiver.

If shivering burned calories, it might not bother me so much, but all it seems to do is knot my already tense muscles.

Kneading those muscles while stretching allows me to dig into the knots and loosen them a bit. Then I can get on with my regular routine.

Massoga so good.

Ten, 20, 30 and counting

I attended the wedding of a good friend's daughter on the weekend.

My friend and I met each other through our kids. Her eldest -- the bride -- and my youngest were in kindergarten together. Fiona and I became fast friends when she was stuck at home with two sick kids and one sick car. I drove them to the doctor's office, one of the kids threw up in my car, and the rest, as they say, is history.

The wedding was one of those lifetime milestone moments. Beautiful, well-planned, delicious and lots of fun, but it was also a shock. I hadn't seen the bride in several years, although I heard about her all the time from my friend. Apparently she's not five years old any more.

I think her mother and father were feeling that way too. While they were obviously filled with pride, there was disbelief in their eyes too. They seemed to say 'when did this happen? Why is my baby doing all these grown up things?'

Every time the mother of the bride caught the eye of the mother of the groom, the two of them began to tear up.

I'm no expert on marriage, but when I heard the 10-20-30 rule, it made sense to me. I pass it along to the bride and groom, and all of you, for consideration.

The secret to a successful marriage is a 10-second kiss, a 20-second hug and a 30-minute conversation -- every day.

Count it out . . . eight, nine, 10. That's a pretty long kiss -- longer than a peck on the cheek and more passionate than a grunt hello or good-bye.

. . . 18, 19, 20. That's a long hug too. Long enough to say I'm here, I'm paying attention, I'm yours.

The 30-minute conversation is crucial to a couple staying connected and can be the hardest of the three rules. Speak up, be honest, and listen.

I hope it works and that I'll be celebrating this couple's 10th, 20th and 30th anniversaries.

Finding the sweet spot

Since one of my daughters moved out last winter, I've been slowly reclaiming the second bedroom as my own.

These wartime houses are quirky little boxes, with sloped ceilings and attic crawl spaces on the second floor. The spare room is only nine feet by 12 feet, but there's a big picture window and with a little planning, the room will suit my purposes just fine.

It's small, but I expect a lot from this room when it's done -- guest room, office, TV room, sewing room, library and exercise space.

It will be a while before I can paint but it's been fun acquiring the pieces I need to make it function. Finally I'm using the room in the ways I envisioned.

And yesterday I found the sweet spot -- the perfect place for the yoga mat.

I'm out of view of my neighbours but have a wonderful view of treetops as I do my stretching routine. I can reach my arms over my head in this spot and not graze the ceiling or the light.

It's turning into a sweet suite. I'm going to enjoy working out here.

Now, to teach the dog that the yoga mat is not a dog bed.

If the walls could talk

There's a lot of history in my 60-year-old house, but this morning I realized it's predicting my future if I don't watch my ways.

The creaking floors mimicked -- dare I say mocked -- my clicking joints as I stretched and lunged and got myself moving this morning.

Old injuries will always need some extra limbering but I don't think they have to scream about it.

The house has good bones, but without the proper support and foundation, it will sag in the middle, it told me as I did a set of crunches. I did a second set.

Paint and lipstick are well and good but you have to take care of the infrastructure of a house. Nobody needs a wheezy furnace or clogged plumbing.

So too must I take care of myself.

Early to bed . . . I'm seeing the light

I've got to stop falling asleep on the couch in the evening.

I've been nursing a sore neck all week — the result, I'm sure, of this habit I've developed of having a two-hour nap before going to bed.

I stretch out to watch a show and wake at 1 or 2 in the morning, my body contorted and the TV still on. Then I bumble my way to bed, only to lie wide awake for an hour, now unable to sleep.

Word on the street is this 'sleeping sickness' is going around. I'm sure it's got to do with fewer hours of daylight and of course the time change a few weeks ago.

Suddenly it's dark at 5 p.m. It's enough to draw out the inner hibernator in me.

If you've got little kids in your house, they've probably adjusted to the new clock by now. But I'll bet it was chaos for the first day or two. I know for a fact parents of little kids did not spend their extra hour sleeping-in on Time Change Day.

I always dreaded changing the clocks — not just because I had to consult manuals to change the clocks on electronic equipment but because I knew it would disrupt my kids' sleep schedule. I learned early on never to wake a sleeping baby, and to change the clocks amounts to the same.

My stiff neck has convinced me to go to bed earlier and try not let the couch get its springs on me.

The good news is that while the weather will continue to get colder, after Dec. 23 the days start to get longer. By mid-February it's quite noticeable.

Fitness is as fitness does

The local in motion organization reports that obesity and inactivity are such prevalent problems, and so deeply entrenched that children may not live as long as their parents.

A recent report issued from the organization states that 31 per cent of folks in Dufferin County and 40 per cent in Guelph and Wellington County are inactive. The same group reports 54 per cent of males and 44 per cent of females in the region are overweight or obese.

Obviously this is troubling and the very reason the folks at the Advanced Foods and Materials Network conceived the idea of the Wellness Initiative in the first place. Overweight and inactive people are more prone to diseases like diabetes, cancer, heart disease and breathing difficulties. Because of their poor health and diets, they are also more likely to experience depression.

I think of depression as the great Catch-22 of health. The less active, the more prone to depression. The more you are affected by depression, the harder it is to pay attention to diet and exercise. Yet exercise and proper diet have been shown to improve depression.

So what to do?

The in motion website has information about fitness, an interactive quiz where you can test your own fitness, and links to sports and fitness organizations in the city. They also have information about fitness activities for your children.

I never played team sports as a kid. As a result I throw like a girl, I stop skating by ramming into the boards and I have to schedule fitness into my life. It doesn't come naturally.

I signed my kids up for sports when they were little so physical fitness would become routine and regular for them — much like brushing their teeth and making their beds. I didn't want them to struggle with 10 or 15 . . . or 20 extra pounds all their lives the way I have.

So far so good.

It's expensive to sign kids up for sports though, and takes commitment from parents, who have to shuttle their kids around. Somewhere along the line you have to balance the stress that team sports can put on your own life with the benefits of sports' exposure for your kids.

If you're getting stymied in your fitness journey, or bored with the same-old, same-old, check out www.wdginmotion.ca for inexpensive and different ideas.

Daylight savouring time

It was early and frost was still settled on cars and houses, but I had a wonderful walk with Harley this morning.

We left when the sun was peeking over the horizon and as we walked, I watched it rise in the sky. By the time we returned home, I had taken off my gloves and was wishing I'd brought my sunglasses.

There are mornings when it's hard to get out of bed but on a day like today — mild for November — the good weather feels precious and not to be squandered.

This morning I bounded out of bed before the alarm clock. Before Harley had time to start whining for her walk, I was already caffeinated, dressed, and hunting for her leash.

I wasn't always a morning person. As a teenager, I remember my dad waking me and my sisters on weekend mornings by tossing a wet facecloth on us. 9 a.m. was the latest us lay-abouts were allowed to stay in bed.

Babies also love the morning and it was years of 6 a.m. feedings that conditioned my internal clock to rise with the sun. I don't like it when I've worked a late shift, or when I've had trouble sleeping. Or when the car is buried deep in snow.

But today you couldn't keep me from the day if you tried.

The 'before' and 'after' you

It's a shame the baseline clinics scheduled for this week had to be post-poned, but don't let that keep you from starting your wellness activities.

I was happy to have a few months to trim my waistline a bit before I was to be measured, so I'm just as happy to have the time to trim a little more before I have to announce my numbers. I started my wellness plan in September and the only concrete measures I have are that my jeans are getting loose and my knees and ankles aren't hurting as much. So far my wellness activities have been daily walking with the dog, two sets of sun salutations in the morning and weekly tai chi.

But if you're someone who is motivated by 'before' and 'after' measurements and this delay is putting you off, why don't you take your own measurements. It doesn't have to be the same figures the Wellness Initiative was planning to take. Measure something that will indicate your progress in a meaningful way.

If you want to lose weight, record your weight, waist, hips and such. If you're improving your fitness, record how long it takes to run (or walk, cycle, swim . . .) a particular distance. Remeasure a few months later.

Sometimes improvements are less concrete but they are just as valuable. You start sleeping better. You read three books a month. You spend three hours a week volunteering. You are more patient with your spouse and kids. Whatever it is, mark it down and before you know it you'll have a history of your progress.

The goal of the initiative after all, is not to have a scientific, medical record of wellness but to encourage residents to go for it.

No matter what your measurements, it starts with a single step, for all of us.

Baseline clinics for next week cancelled

This just in from the Advanced Foods and Materials Network, the group organizing the Guelph Wellness Initiative:

"In the wake of the H1N1 pandemic, we will be canceling next week's Baseline Clinics for Guelph Wellness. (This is for all clinics scheduled for Tuesday November 10, Wednesday November 11 and Thursday November 12 from 4 to 6pm).

"Our sincerest apologies for any inconvenience, but we are unable to maintain a Registered Nurse base as they have been called away for emergency duties at flu clinics. We are not able to run our baseline clinics without registered nurses.

"We hope to reschedule these clinics for the coming months and will continue to update all participants with information as we move forward.

"Thank you sincerely for your understanding, and your interest in Guelph Wellness."

Sincerely,
Advanced Foods & Materials Network